Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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