I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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