Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
