you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
