Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
