Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
