I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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