Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
