May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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