I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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