Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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