I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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