Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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