I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Green mimosas i think yes
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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