My sheets look like a crime scene.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
