Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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