I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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