my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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