Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
