I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
