Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize