Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
two words...techno handjob
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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