He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
