so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
