I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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