well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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