Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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