I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
