Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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