The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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