broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Randomize
