whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
