you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
