a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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