i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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