cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
