i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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