I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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