One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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