The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
