I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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