I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
