i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
