Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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