i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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