On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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