i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
