i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
