yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
