Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
