So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
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That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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