I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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