I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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